The SAE fraternity national headquarters are like a block from my dorm, and there’s this freaking Canadian goose who basically lives in their front yard. He is there every… single… day… Usually he just stands there and watches you walk by, giving you this sort of discerning anserine look. (Anserine means “of or like a goose.” Fun fact.) Today he decided to stand in the middle of the sidewalk as I was rushing to my 10 a.m. English midterm. Thanks, goose.
I tried to step around him, but he stepped with me, guarding me like some sort of menacing basketball player. I have expected to get a wing to the face a la Metta World Peace. I went right, he went right. I went left, he went left. Then, he decided to start snapping and hissing. And it was terrifying. I’m just trying to get to my midterm on time, but here’s this goose, clacking his beak and posturing like he’s gonna start stampeding.
I start backing away, and he follows me. He’s giving me this look, like, “Oh yeah, you run for it, blondie. This is my motherfreakin’ sidewalk, and I will be DAMNED if you are going to arrive at your midterm on time. Yeah, that’ll make you think twice about walking through my hood like you own it. Who owns it? Me, baby. I own it.” I half expected him to whip out a wizard’s staff and pull a straight-up Gandalf, booming, “YOU… SHALL… NOT… PASS!!!!” And half of me is like, “GOOSE I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS” while the other half is thinking, “Holy hell, I’m going to get slaughtered by a goose.”
Finally some old guy walks out of SAE and throws a slice of Wonder bread at the freakin’ goose, who immediately loses interest in me. I see my chance and make a break for it. I half debated yelling over my shoulder, “YEAH, EAT THAT WONDER BREAD. I HOPE IT MAKES YOU FAT, YOU ASININE ANSERINE.” But then I realized I was in a public place and I already looked like enough of an idiot being stalked by a goose.